Well, we're married. Beautiful day, ceremony in my grandmother's backyard, the right dress, the right people, lots of candles and twinkle lights. It was good. And I've been working. A real job For grown ups. I spent Kris' school year working as a temp at his university's library, 40 irregular hours a week, coworkers who could be my parents (if not grandparents), and hanging out with work study students.
But that ended in June and after the honeymoon, I started working as s Digital Marketing Specialist at the local library, which is delightful. I'm on Facebook and Twitter and I get paid for it. Downfall is that this is a temporary position too and I only get 25 hours/week, which is a huge cut. It's not a big deal right now because Kris is working this summer, but when he goes back to school, I foresee problems of the highest order.
Well, maybe not the highest. Because we're already facing some of those highest order issues. Like problems with our sex life. Which we've had for ages, but haven't consistently worked on. At least not until now. I went to a sex therapist for all of three weeks in May when we thought we could afford therapy, and she suggested that we go through Sex Smart by Aline Zoldbrod together as a couple. So I read it and he read it and then we (I) forgot about it for a while, but now we're working through one chapter a week and making progress. At least, I think we're making progress. Kris seems to consistently be of the opinion that our relationship is a giant mess and so full of problems that are (mostly) my fault that I can't even stand to work on them. And I can't let him think that, so here we are.
Anyway, Chapter 5 of Sex Smart brought up some interesting issues about my perception of sex. Namely, how being a brainwashed Christian has effected my perception of sex, my persona; sexuality, and our sex life. And our conversation led to a discussion of how Christianity's view of premarital sex (and sex in general) is overall very negative and. beyond that, deeply wrong. We talked about how I've been trained since I was eleven or twelve to view sex as a huge sin, my purity as something precious, and myself as a horrible, horrible person for having sexual thoughts and acting on them.
After all that, we got onto the subject of Christian metaphors for sex and how young Christians are trained to hate sex and why. I remembered one of my friends in middle school comparing a person;s sex life to an Oreo that you'll give your spouse on your wedding night, and saying every time you have sex or do something sexual in nature, you take a bite out of that Oreo. If you're not careful, she cautioned, you'll only give your spouse a handful of crumbs.
To shorten a very long story, Kris asked me to try to remember all the stupid metaphors for sex that Christians use. This is what I came up with:
1. Sex is like a sacred fire, unless it is contained (in the fireplace of marriage), it is dangerous and can sweep out of control in a heartbeat.
2. Sex is like a Tootsie Roll. You never known what's under the wrapper-could be an STD, a baby, the loss of your heart.
3. Your sexual appetite is like your physical appetite. Premarital sex is junk food and if you gorge yourself on junk food before dinner (your wedding night), the sight of real, nutritious food will make you sick.
4. Your body and your sex life cam either be Styrofoam cups (slutty clothes, slutty attitude, sleeping around and nobody cares), coffee mugs (nice, but nothing special; can be used for sex and easily discarded), or fine china (very precious, handled with care, only used on special occasions, like a wedding night).
5. Your virginity is "a pearl of great price" and should only be given to the man who's willing to give up everything (all other women) in order to obtain it.
6. Sex is like test driving a car. You want to be careful, go the speed limit, avoid getting it dirty. Premarital sex is like smearing mud all over it, breaking the windows, and poking holes into the upholstery.
7. Premarital sex is like inviting all your ex-girlfriends to come to your wedding. Like you're taking all your previous sexual partners with you to your marriage bed.
8. If you have sex before marriage, you are a cup of saliva. (Everyone in the room spits into a cup. Preacher/youth pastor holds it up and says that if you have premarital sex, you are as disgusting as this cup of saliva.)
9. Your sexuality is not your own. It belongs to your future husband. If you have premarital sex or sexual acts, you are stealing from your husband (and from the guy you're doing it with's wife).
10. Sex is a soul-tie. Your soul/heart is eternally bound to all the people you've had sex with.
11. Your virginity is a gift that sound be saved for your spouse.
12. Your sexuality is like a piece of chewing gum and premarital sex is chewed gum.
13. Sex is like a rose. Premarital sex is like passing the rose around the room and having everyone pull off a petal.
14. Your sexuality is like duct tape and every time you press the tape onto someone's skin and pull it off, you take a little bit of them with you until your sexuality is no longer clean and sticky.
15. Premarital sex tells your future spouse that they weren't worth the wait.
16. Sex is a battle ground and only people who are virgins on their wedding day have won that battle.
17. Sex is a tissue and premarital sex is a used tissue.
That's all I can think of, for now. I'll add more if they come to me.
