There's a Wedding Dress in My Living Room...

The wedding got postponed about six months ago, approximately two months after I'd  half-bought a wedding dress I wasn't in love with (assume-ably to prove to myself that we were going to still get married in spite of the problems...).  I've been putting off finishing the payment and  picking it up since February, but if I didn't take care of it this week, the bridal boutique would get to keep it according to the contract I signed...

Why? Because we were going to get married on Saturday. And now we're not.

We decided to postpone the wedding for a lot of really, really good reasons and we put a lot of time and energy into the decision to postpone. I was happy, relieved, and re-energized when we decided to postpone, but now that the would-be-wedding-date is two days away...I don't know quite how I feel.

Part of my heart still wishes that there was wedding happening on Saturday. This is the part, I've just decided, that wishes our relationship was at a healthy enough place to be able to have wedding. It's definitely not, proving again that we made the right decision.

And I was certain of that when I went to pick the dress up today. Right up until the sales girl brought it out for me to see and I was reminded of how lovely it is (even if it's not my style at all). I caught myself thinking that I should just hang onto it in case we decided to run away to a beach somewhere and get married there (which would make that dress PERFECT)...And then I realized how dumb it was to think those things.

I got myself ice cream. I took an hour and half long bubble bath. I'm wearing my favorite clothes. I did my nails. I got a little facial in a bag and did that. I've listened to calming music, and then to my favorite Pandora station. Now I've written about it.

All that's left is for me to go downstairs and get the dress out of the box and take pictures and create an eBay account and a Tradesy account and who knows what other kinds of accounts and put an add in the paper and then try to sell the damn thing.

The thought terrifies me.

I'm so afraid that if I open that box, I'll want to put it on, and if I put it on...I don't know what I'll do.

Seeking Certifications

I've come to realize that however useful my English degree and Professional Writing minor might be, they aren't nearly as marketable as being Microsoft Word certified and Google certified.

The problem is, I just spent thousands of dollars on my education and these certifications  cost about $100+ a pop. This is awfully frustrating to me and I feel like I should be taking another semester of courses in order to be more marketable.

Well, that, and I'm beginning to realize more and more that the career I feel most comfortable with would have something to do with Library Science. Unfortunately, I came across this realization too late and the nearest ALA accredited university isn't accepting applications until next February. Which give me plenty of time to prepare my application materials, but makes it difficult for me to pursue a job in the meantime. I detest the idea of going back into food service or the like, but at the same time, perhaps I should until I am able to apply?

But even then, I need to be able to have a job whilst in a Master's program, don't I? Ideally, I'd love to be able to work in a library, but there are no positions available anywhere in my area. Not even in universities. The best option I've found so far is a Social Media internship for my county library system, which I have applied for, but not heard back from. I worry that if I even end up getting that position, it won't be paid since it's a city internship and I'll end up back in the position of looking for a position in the food industry.

Blerg.

Another option could be that I spend some time teaching myself some marketable skills and getting certified more effectively while working in the food service and then pursuing a career a couple months from now.  However, does that really solve my initial problem?  

It's Happening...

I'm getting the I've-got-too-much-time-on-my-hands-and-a-desire-to-remake-everything-itch. This happens to me every summer, for as long as I can remember...I get out of school, I have no homework and work is a minimal presence in my life and now I have the time to notice how boring just about everything in my life is.

I then proceed to make lists of projects I can do (or wish I could do, but can't since I don't have the money for it). These projects can be anything, from remaking my intellect by reading the hallmark literature of a particular decade to a total rehaul of my wardrobe (which can include going to Goodwill and buying hideously ugly dresses because I am convinced that I can make them beautiful with my pathetic sewing skills), to the painting a redecorating of my house or yard.

You'll notice that the last time I wrote on this blog was at the end of last summer...

It's wildly annoying to me, especially since I've discovered Pinterst, because I am really pretty terrible at projects. I have a terrible tendency to get really enthusiastic about them and then get bored with them when they get harder than I anticipated. Has that stopped me this time yet? Nope.

Since I've graduated, I have:

1. Started reading three different books about things like Proofreading, Social Media management, and Feminism...
2. Been to six different Goodwills in search of furniture to repaint and dresses to remake.
3. Found about twenty different home improvement projects I'd like to take on to improve my rental.
4. Rearranged my living room, kitchen, and bedroom.
5. Started blogging again.
6. And decided to rewrite two stories I wrote in high school and see if I can get them published as Harlequin romance novels.

And I've been sort of avoiding the idea that I might have to get a job soon. I've found a few jobs that I could probably apply to, but none of them are jobs that would really make me happy. So I'm restless and nervous and jobless...and what am I doing? Figuring out how to paint the tile in the kitchen.

Fresh Start

So, I've graduated college. I've moved myself to a city two and a half hours from where I've lived my entire life. My wedding's been postponed until next year.

I'm jobless and realizing that I can't just find a job as easily as I used to be able to. I have to figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm trying to start eating right, not just healthy, but good for my body and syncing my actions with my body's cycles.

Oh yeah, this is great fun.

I'm not complaining, really, I'm not. I love the idea of being able to start over and finally begin a life that's completely mine, right down to the food I eat.

But I'm scared too. I don't know what to do with myself now that I'm not going back to school in the fall. And what if I choose the wrong job? What if I end up stuck somewhere that makes me miserable? Worse yet, what if I don't get a job and I can't afford to live in this bright, shiny, new place and eat my bright, shiny, new food and plan the wedding that I wanted because I have no way to finance it?

It's problematic. It's kind of making me panic a little. I thought I'd be more prepared for this, but I'm really not. And I don't know what to do about it.

I Am, In Fact, Alive

I realize that the likelihood of anyone actually reading this is pretty low, considering that I have no legitimate followers, but I thought you'd all like to hear that I am alive. I am also engaged, in school, and looking for a job since I now have to pay for a wedding. Since I last wrote, things have been going well. I'm all moved into my new place for the fall, my classes are going well and have I mentioned, I'm engaged?! Knowing that in 9 months I'll be able to spend every night in the arms of the love of my life for the rest of my life is pretty freaking sweet.

Yay! Engagement Ring! You can't tell from the photo, but it's a Tifaany Flower.

In spite of all that wonderful though, I'm feeling a lot of weird stuff this week. Kris's grandma had been sick for years and she died on Monday. I had only met her a couple of times, so I'm not personally terribly devestated, but Kris's dad has been taking care of her in lieu of a nursing home for the past seven years and the whole family's a wreck. There's a lot of drama going on with Kris's aunts and uncles and a bunch of hateful, stressful stuff that I've never experienced in a family ever before.  And it's horrifying to me.  But it's also been  really eye-opening experience.


This is Ruth, Kris's grandma, meeting her first great-grandchild.

 For example, on Sunday, I was able to grab both of my sisters into this massive group hug and I made them swear to me that no matter what I did or how far away I moved that we would also love and support each other and would never stop talking to one another. I'm vowing to make sure that my parents have professional care when they're old so I don't have to put myself and my husband through the complete and utter crap that Kris's parents have gone through and so my parents don't die in pain and agony because their caregivers don't know what to do to help. I appreciate my family so much more in light of these circumstances. I always thought my mom was a little pyschotic in her intense love for her family, whether it be brothers and sisters across town or second-cousins across the country. I realize now a lot of people don't live in circumstances like mine and I am insanely grateful for the strong sense of familial loyalty and love that my parents worked to instill in me and my sisters. Even if the world falls, we will always have each other and knowing that brings me such peace, especially as I watch Kris's family drama unfold and the stress that the memebers of his family are under.

But most of all, it makes me appreciate Kris. He has been so strong and supportive for his parents through all of this. He took the week off of school to help sort through family drama, which, as a Mine's student, is insane. Not only did he take his two teenage sister school supply shopping, but he also paid for the supplies and new clothes for them out of his own pocket. He drove to Denver and back in one day to pick his pregnant older sister up so she and her two year old could be there for the family. He has had to stand up to a bully of an uncle, deal with a vulture of a grandfather, be strong for the father that abused him as a child, and hasn't said one word about himself or the stress that this is putting on him financially and academically. I have never been more proud of or more humbled by anyone in my life. He is so good and strong and patient and amazing and I am the luckiest person in the world to be marrying him.

Back to School: The Living Room Edition

So, my plan for this school year was to move into an on-campus apartment at CSU-P with the RA for the on-campus apartments (also one of my very best friends). However, last Friday, my bestie calls me up and tells me that she's been FIRED from her RA-ship and that I can either live with her and her gf off-campus or keep my current living situation and just have three roommates that I don't know. Great. Financial aid pays for my housing whilst I'm on-campus, so now I'm stuck with three girls I don't know and zero furniture.

Didn't I mention? My bestie has been stocking up on furniture all summer and told me (and the other two roomies) that we didn't have to bother bringing anything to the apartment except what we wanted in our bedrooms because she had taken care of everything else. So, now I have two weeks to figure out how badly I really need a couch or a dining room table. Or a frying pan and baking ware. And, as you all know, I have zero money to do any of this with, nor will I be getting money for anything anytime soon, since my job here has cut my hours down to less than ten a week. Lovely.

AND to add insult to injury, I got an IKEA catalog in the mail yesterday. The gods of style and shopping are mocking me, I swear. Ergo, in lieu of actually having furniture, I present to you my dream furniture for my living room:

IKEA PS 2012 Coffee Table

                                    

Pier1 Double Papasan Chair

Pier1 Gillian Loveseat

Pier1 Wine Silk Pillow

Pier1 Blue Plush Pillow

IKEA Malin Fransar Cushion

IKEA Karlstad Loveseat and Chaise Lounge (in a different color)

                                      

Pier1 Round Red Rose Tuffed Rug

IKEA Lack Sofa Table

                                               

Crate and Barrel Alston Ivory/Grey Curtains

                                                

Crate and Barrel Dahlia Mirror

Crate and Barrel Zambales Tray