The wedding got postponed about six months ago, approximately two months after I'd half-bought a wedding dress I wasn't in love with (assume-ably to prove to myself that we were going to still get married in spite of the problems...). I've been putting off finishing the payment and picking it up since February, but if I didn't take care of it this week, the bridal boutique would get to keep it according to the contract I signed...
Why? Because we were going to get married on Saturday. And now we're not.
We decided to postpone the wedding for a lot of really, really good reasons and we put a lot of time and energy into the decision to postpone. I was happy, relieved, and re-energized when we decided to postpone, but now that the would-be-wedding-date is two days away...I don't know quite how I feel.
Part of my heart still wishes that there was wedding happening on Saturday. This is the part, I've just decided, that wishes our relationship was at a healthy enough place to be able to have wedding. It's definitely not, proving again that we made the right decision.
And I was certain of that when I went to pick the dress up today. Right up until the sales girl brought it out for me to see and I was reminded of how lovely it is (even if it's not my style at all). I caught myself thinking that I should just hang onto it in case we decided to run away to a beach somewhere and get married there (which would make that dress PERFECT)...And then I realized how dumb it was to think those things.
I got myself ice cream. I took an hour and half long bubble bath. I'm wearing my favorite clothes. I did my nails. I got a little facial in a bag and did that. I've listened to calming music, and then to my favorite Pandora station. Now I've written about it.
All that's left is for me to go downstairs and get the dress out of the box and take pictures and create an eBay account and a Tradesy account and who knows what other kinds of accounts and put an add in the paper and then try to sell the damn thing.
The thought terrifies me.
I'm so afraid that if I open that box, I'll want to put it on, and if I put it on...I don't know what I'll do.
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